The What-if's

*This was written last Saturday, but Blogger was not working that day, so I couldnt't post...

For the past year and 7 months, I have had to force myself
not to think about “what if’s”, but today that kind of changed.

Today we were stopped in a back-up in town. This weekend was
the annual festival, so there was tons and tons of traffic. {It took one of our
friends almost 20 minutes to get across town (less than 5 miles)…!}

The car in front of us stopped, so we did too(umm… yeah.),
although it was one of those “dad, look out” slam on the brakes moments… (It
wasn’t really that bad!) But the guy behind us… was a totally different story!
Like close call. really. close. call. Then my dad turned on his 4-way flashers.

I looked out my window{I was behind the drivers seat…} about
2 seconds later to see something about 2 inches{literally!} away from my
window. And the van like moved, except we were stopped.

The pick-up truck behind us could not stop because it was
pulling a gooseneck trailer with approximately 6 or more tons of pellets on it.
Plus it was pouring down rain. {Like no could see out windows pouring down
rain.} So he miraculously somehow got over in the turn lane. Somehow. How, none
of us know. I mean.

Gabby said she almost screamed because she noticed the guy
wasn’t stopping. I guess she said the trailer wasn’t getting over as fast as
the truck had, so she thought for sure he was gonna hit us somehow.

I believe that somehow our guardian angels squeezed
themselves between our car and that trailer. Somehow the mirror on our van was
just low enough that it went below the bed of the trailer. Or maybe God picked
up the trailer, or pushed the mirror down.

The guy couldn’t stop until he was 3 car lengths past us.
When we drove by them the girl in the passenger seat looked like she was so
freaked out that she was going to be sick.

What if that guy hadn’t stopped? What if he had noticed just
a fraction of a second later that we
were stopped? What if his reflexes had been a fraction of a second slower? What
if he had been going slightly faster?

There would be 9 {or more} people either {probably} dead or
seriously {critically} injured. That trailer was so heavy that it would have
squished that truck, and our van, and possibly the vehicle in front of us, into
an accordion.

If that guy had hit
us today, tonight I would either be in heaven, or in the hospital fighting for
my life. And so would everyone else in our vehicle and the other vehicles.

So it got me thinking. I mean, I know I’m saved. I’m not
really afraid to die. I know that if I died right now I would go to heaven.
But, am I ready to face God? If I stood before HIM today, would I be able to
present him with crowns, or would all of my “crowns” be in ashes?

Have I really been living my life like I should have? Have I
put God first? Have I lived my life like I am going to die today?

The answer is no. I am still a sinner. Every day I do
something I shouldn’t have, say something without thinking, think without
praying…

I don’t always put God first. Sometimes I just want my own
way. I want things right now. I want things that aren’t always good for me.

Before I would force myself not to think about the “what
if’s”, I would think about things that could have happened…

Like-

How would it be
different if Skylar had lived? She would be over a year old now. She would
be learning how to walk, eating “big people food”, maybe learning her first
words. There would be a car seat in the van, a crib in our room, toys all over
the house, and baby clothes in the laundry.

But when I start thinking about all those things, I want it
to have happened… But it didn’t. It wont ever be that way because Skylar is
with Jesus. All I have are memories of how tiny she was. I have a memory of the
10 seconds I got to hold her tiny cold body. I remember the memorial service
where everyone was touched in some way. I remember her little tiny white casket.
The tiny hole at the cemetery. The headstone that is still in our laundry room
that a friend was able to help us get.

But I am who I am today partially because of Skylar. Her
death helped me to grown in ways that I wouldn’t have otherwise grown.

How would it be
different if the two other miscarriages hadn’t happened? {In reality, I am
really the oldest of 7 children.} There would be 2 other siblings. One of them
would be 11 or 12. The other would be 5, going on 6.

What if I hadn’t been
rebellious when I was younger? I probably would be rebellious right now, or
in the near future. I thank God that I learned my lesson then, and not now, or
later when it would be too late. At least I learned my lessons the easiest of
the hard ways. But, I was rebellious, and that’s what I have to live with. Even
though some people involved haven’t forgiven me, and still remind me of it as
often as they can, I have God’s forgiveness, and that is all I need. {It is
nice to have my parents trust again though!}

Sometimes thinking about the “what if’s” can be a good
thing, but then again you don’t want to be all melancholy… so pray before you
think about the “what if’s”, and if it discourages you, DON’T think about them!